6

No Point Talking To You

It happened once, then twice, then thrice. Then it seems like this could go on forever. I don’t even know what to say anymore. I do love you. There's no doubt about it. But I'm not sure whether I can take this if its keep on going forever. I'm not asking much. Just a simple respect would do. And yet, the sms I got from you sounds so threatening. The end? As simple as that? You know I wouldn’t choose that.

Is there such a thing as embracing idiocracy and rudeness for the sake of happiness? Step into my shoe, and you'll see the view is full of sigh. Patience is all I have. And if it takes patience all the way until they buried me six feet in the ground, then that is what I'm going to give you. I pledged my loyalty, my suffering, my virtue, my patience, my heartache, my everything, just so that I could be with you.

I dont even know what I did wrong for me to accept this. Maybe not just now. This thing will go on forever. What would you feel if I receive the same treatment again and again and again? Maybe someday, my children would see me being treated this way in front of everyone? Now, as a dad, how would I feel? How would you then? There’s no point talking to you about this because I know the answer will be the same. That I should cope, I should bare with it, I should deal with it. Not anyone else. I'm the one with problems. I'm the one who does not understand. Ok. I accept that.

A treatment for kings is not what I’m worthy for. Nor a treatment for peasants. Just a little common sense and respect would do. Sometimes it is sad to think about it. I might face it until forever. And then there you are, threatening me if I can’t cope with it. No human deserve to be treated this way. Despite the things that had happened, I'll stick by you. I will. Because, I don’t want to regret. But trust me, if this situation continues, you will be the one regretting. Because he will continue to act this way and all I can do is be patient. And patience is all I have left that makes me different from an idiot.
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0

A Will Remains In The Ashes

Lastly, we stare at the sky and praise the will.
Reconciliations lying sprawled one on top of the other.
Action gets ahead of us.
Keep believing without realizing a long gone shadow.
Hide a voicless word I saved yesterday
And lose track of it.

Time goes on treasuring the fact in my mind
That your pain has gone.
Grief repeats one way or the other,
Leave the door open with high thoughts.
Damage the present memories.
It stretches a complex maze.
Stray into it, pause for a moment,
And trace its shape deeply.

A heart embeaces the courage and stops secretly.
It forgets the times. Fall asleep within the sound.
Leaving us behind.

A face of darkness is so peaceful. We got a little envious of it.
I reflect my thoughts and prayed for my pain to stop.
I became naught for a will remains in the ashes.
My heart moves and gets high. My eyes freeze on.
My heart avoids the truth and the eyes.
And now the words echo. They were spelled by scraping my life.
Now the voice I kept screaming crossing my mind.
Cry only once and now I desperately ride on time.
Divided and found, I saw the end.
The answer I tell by ceasing.
Farewell is incomplete.
Believe and doubt.
The the beginning starts.
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3

Hasta La Victoria Siempre!

Bila ramai berani la..

Back up diri masing2..

hanya kuat bila berada di kelompok rakan-rakan sendiri..

Pernah berani berdiri sendiri?

Apabila sunyi?

Seorang diri?

Tanpa diawasi?

Tunjuk belang..Takut kecundang..

Aku yang berdiri sendiri..

Terlalu mengerti erti berdikari?

Taktik perang gerila..

Serang,lari,sembunyi..

Akan ku tumpaskan satu persatu..

Musuh berkepala batu..

Andai kau ku ketemu..

Biar kita beradu..

Dengan hujah dan ilmu..

Fuck you!!!
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5

Mineral - Take The Picture Now

There are blue skies in my dreams
And laughter that seems unending
There are green grass fields there
And happiness and hope for tomorrow

My cup is full and my heart
Spills awkward and embarrasing blood
Onto white golden streets
And I am unashamed of the stains my steps leave

Tears stream down my cheeks
Only to meet their redeemer and be wiped away
And there is joy
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7

Coping With Changes

Everything I know is about to change..Me,myself and I..the people around me, the environment, the society, family, friends..These things will always happen..Changes..long before we were born...long after we are dead..there are still cahnges..Human being has live in this kind of situation since Adam & Eve..and yet some of us find it hard to cope with changes..and why is that?

Been thinking bout this a lot lately..and i do mean A LOT..Just cant embrace changes..its hard..its supposed to happen, but not during the time that im not ready...yet..just...yet..not..ready...yet..(((silent scream..frustration)))

things dont work like they used to..songs dont make you feel like you used to..pets grew old and die..you grew thin to fat..candles burn bright then blow out..paintings on walls fade away..some of it is dramatic than the others..

cant handle those less dramatic ones..it feels just like cancer..eating you from the inside slowly..rotting..dying..slowly..bit by bit..atoms by atoms..i would really appreciate one big blow than this..

"It's better to burn out than to fade away" - Kurt Donald Cobain
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1

I'm Out,You Take Over

Did I ever bother about your personal stuff?
Did I ever ask for your intervention?
Did I ever?

Sharing is caring..
Friends cares..
But they should'nt be smart ass and try to run their friend's life for them..

Fuck!
If u think that I will lose a diamond while I'm too busy collecting stones,
U're fucking wrong..

Since when do you care anyway?
Last week?Maybe last month?Or even last year?

I've always been alone to make decisions anyway..
Dont come tumbling in my life now and say you know whats best for me..
Because as far as I'm concerned, its not like this before..
Why now?
Because u cared?
Fuck YOU!

I dont even need a friend like you..
Just because your relationship worked doesnt mean that you know whats best for me..
And judge what I have..
Whether its a stone or diamond?
Dont you think I know?

I have my own way of doing things..
Maybe your great..you build a vessel in a day..
Maybe it took me 1 whole fucking decade..

BUt hey!!
Its my damn fucking place and i'm damned fucking proud of it..
And I work damn hard to achieve it..with my own way!

But then again..
Who needs a vessel with two captains steering the opposite way..

Fuck!
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6

-just trying to break the silence-

life can be shitty at times..now..
im in the process of coping with it..now
no enthuhsiasm to write..for now..
or maybe ist better to keep it secret..
for now...
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2

Loner

The word “lonely” describes a human state or feeling involving isolation, or the feeling of disconnection with others, etc. Why you’re feeling lonely? Why am I feeling lonely? The reason differs from each individual. Some feels lonely because they don’t have a life partner, a soul mate. Some feels lonely because they have lost their loved ones. Some feels lonely because they choose to be. This is a common feeling shared by millions of people, perhaps billion, or even trillions around the world. Thus, the way individuals deal with it also varies. Some seek refuge in calm, quiet places of escape. Some would just make themselves busy with daily chores or an extra item in their daily organizer.

The real meaning of loneliness and being lonely is subject to one’s views and opinion. This feeling can’t be judge by other individual upon others. For example, you know that Carlos is single. You see him as a lonely person. U judged him from the outside but the truth is he’s not even close to being a lonely person. He has his dreams to look forward to, his “things” that he does, he still has his parents, and he feels that he doesn’t need a company. He’s doing just fine.

You failed to judge how he’s feeling and you can’t even try to judge what he’s feeling. What I’m trying to say is, being lonely or to seek for loneliness is “freedom”. Freedom from being connected with others.

Sometimes, I feel like I want to be lonely, even though the fact that I’m not. It sort of gives me a quick plunge into the water, away from the heat of the burning pirate ship. I know I would never survive the rough sea without clinging onto something. I know I have to swim back towards the burning ship, grab a piece of wood plank and hang on to it.

Loneliness is a feeling, a kind of freedom and it is a choice.

Please understand.
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0

What Have I Done? My Anger

Artist: Caliban
Song: Storm Of Rage

Walls collapse onto me,

I ride the storm of rage

a mistake became a chain – reaction and the reflection falls upon me
it's time for change,

understanding and faith are what friends are about,

but on every corner disappointment

(is waiting, every wall would have understood me better),

I am cold.

I stand alone and all that remains is the hope for help,

the anger is strong and threatens to destroy me,

because what was will never be again,

too much has happened and the mind becomes dull,

it is the tragedy of time,

a sea of tears for grief,

but from the shadows of my tears,

of my past,

you come and give me your hand,

tame my anger

my tears fade and together we fight as friend

together we fight as friend for (the) time.
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1

Take Me Out!!


In your eyes, people can't seem to see anything because your eyes are covered up by tears!
You are constantly hurt and depressed...
No one seems to understand how you feel because everyone is scared to get close to you...
You long to be able to reach out and tell someone everything, and all of your problems...
But you have no one to tell, or they just don't seem to want to hear what you have to say.
You've been hurt many times that you don't seem to have any tears left to shed, or if you do,they're an endless river flowing...
You've started to hide and bottle up all or your problems and feelings, hoping that maybe they just will go away...
You want company, but at the same time, you're scared of it.
Your sanctuary is your room where you can just be alone and try to throw away all of your aching pains.
You're dark and mysterious and people like you for that reason.
Even if you think you're all by yourself in the dark, someone is always there with you.
Your special someone wants to admit and show their feelings towards you, but they're afraid of how you'll take it.
Get out more and enjoy life because, it is far too long to frown your way through :)
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3

Ignorance Is Bliss


Finally, I’ve managed to coerce myself to write. Though I may not know what nonsense might came up later, but I’m willing to try. Sometimes I feel like I have a phobia in writing. Graphophobia. Or is it a phobia of writing in public (Scriptophobia)? Whatever it is, I’ve managed to finished 5 sentences already, right? And fuck man, this does takes courage to do!! Hahaa..Reminds me of my favorite quote..“Courage is not the lack of fear but the ability to face it” by Lt. John B. Putnam Jr. (1921-1944).

The quote does come in handy during my sk8boarding years as I intend to learn new tricks that obviously need “balls of fury” to even attempt it. It sort of gives you the audacity to even try. Even though most of the time I end up eating dirt or landed on my ass, I still try to land the same trick the next day. And yes, sk8boarding is a state of mind. I do have my own way to overcome fear. “Don’t think about it”. That always works. The end result depends on the subject matter whether the thing you’re trying to attempt is good, bad or purely dumb. You can do everything you want on this, but I am not to be blamed for all the shameful stupidity that you guys do. Please, strictly no lawsuits against me. I can’t even afford to buy a 2nd hand Toyota Corolla GL to drift on.

Finished my 2nd paragraph. Hmm.I’m gaining momentum to continue my crap now. Its good to try something new. It opens up your mind. Whether it’s a good thing or not, that’ll depend on how you perceive things. I’ve never tried other Japanese food before (except sushi). A friend took me to this Japanese kiosk at the food court and encourages me to try the “I don’t know what it’s called” ugly eel with soy sauce and rice. It doesn’t seem very tasty to me but then again, and I quoted this from my friend “The uglier the fish, the better it taste”. So, I decided to give it a try. And you know what? I actually liked it! Haha. Also including the Green Tea that I ordered for the first time. I learned a lot that day. Don’t close doors for new opportunity to learn, share and experience.

I’m used to keeping things to myself. Not wanting to share my thoughts & views. I’d rather absorbed from other’s experience. There was a game I played in school. You have to list 5 of your friends and give them any color that suits that particular person. 4 out of 5 of my friends gave me black. The explanation is simple. Black represents something hard, unchangeable, extreme and taboo. I didn’t even ask them as to why they gave me black, but I think I understood. At that very moment, it didn’t even struck my mind that I have to change and give chances to my surroundings. Maybe my friends were trying to tell me something but I didn’t listen to them enough. My bad. I’m very slow at things sometimes. Now I’m regretting it. All the time wasted, being so confined in my own private sandbox, clicks, world.

Everything I do, everything that I listen to, every music I play, every chord I strum, every notes I wrote, every homework I did, every situation I encounter, I kept it to myself..Everytime I Die..heh!! I guess nobody understand my world except me. Sharing is taboo. It’ll let people find your weakness. I have weakness and I have to hide it. Its the thing I learn in my hostel. If not, people will go against you. Junior will disrespect you. Be flawless.Well, fuck boys school!!but then again..im just saying that because my life sucks. I love you, Anderson. To strive, to seek, to find & not to yield!!!

But now I think I’ve changed. Can’t stop from making statements. I’ve become a self-centered, ego, all about me SOB! Can’t seem to balance it. There’s no moderate for me. Extreme. Hmm..it describes the color black again. Just can’t help it. I love being ‘black’. Is there any way I could colour my world? Put some sunshine through the densely filtered window. Ahh..shit! I’m writing this down without even realizing that my blog background color is also black! I guess it’s true. I’m cursed. Bad karma is hunting me down. Ahh..who gives a fuck anyway. It’s like we’re in a system. Can’t turn it back. We have to follow; we are being programmed to see it only one way. By whom? It's our black tangled heart..

The paranoia of “no escape”. Escapism. Not wanting to deal with your problem. Not wanting to face your enemy, your fears. A quote from my friend, Joemaxx “escapism mudah!”….Btol bro, aku seorang escapist!! Give up, give up, and give up!! There’s no future, there’s no hope..

Defiance – No Future No Hope

there ain't no future and there ain't no hope
for humankind or change within the system
there ain't no future and there ain't no hope
in a fucked up system that takes your life away
there ain't no future and there ain't no hope
rules and regulations getting in our way
there ain't no future and there ain't no hope
the only hope and dream i have is to watch it all destroyed

(At the moment I’m writing this down, I’ve just finished listening to Defiance)

I miss the good old days. Not being held responsible to anything. No worries. Fuck the world. Pure ignorance. Whether they live or die, we don’t give a damn as long as we live, right? Have you thought of it that way? It’s hard being an adult. It comes with responsibilities. I don’t think I’m ready for any of this shit. But then again, maybe I’m just being emo..

Fingerprint (France)

Surrender

Answering all their questions without the least suspicion
Satisfying their desires without the least reaction
You exactly fit into the mold they have designed for you
Forced to be happy in a so artificial skin
You know you can’t fight back
You know they’re always right
Accepting their decisions without the least reflection
Forsaking your existence without the least resistance
You exactly fit into the mold they have designed for you,
You give up your life
You give up any sense of struggle
Decisions is not yours anymore
You hide through the masses
You have lost integrity
You haven’t risked your life
You have become a standard, numbered and quantified

Sumber lirik : Dipetik dari koleksi klasik Joe 69 Max
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